State of the Blogger and not of the Blog because I think the state of the Blog is pretty apparent. I’d summarise my current state as letting go but not giving up. I just realised that if I’m ever going to move this ship forward I have to let go of the idea of an audience, which terrifies me. I have to let go of the idea of something beautiful–I’ll get there some day but for now, this blog is just going to have to be what I can do. And it means I have to accept that feeling of actually taking the time to do makeup and hair and then a short time later you look in the mirror and realise you look the same. Or worse. Or not how you imagined. That’s what this blog is for me. The worry that I’ll put in the effort and find it isn’t what I imagined.

It also means typing out blog posts that I don’t worry over. Maybe I don’t even edit. Who would want to read unedited blather? Doesn’t matter. Because I have let go of the idea of an audience. From here forward, this is for an audience of one: me. I find myself in a position where I would very much like to thoughtfully move toward a different life. And by that I mean a different day-to-day. A different daily focus. I am in a position where one job takes up way too much emotional and cognitive energy and I feel like this effort has to be an equal and opposite force. I am starting philosophy classes at the end of this month and applying for a MLitt in Philosophy that will start in September. I want my day-to-day to be thinking about, discussing, and furthering my understanding of how to live a good life. We’ll see how that evolves. But I’m ready to wrap up the life I have built to this point. It’s been almost 20 years and I want my next 20 to be different. Filled with good, kind people. I want my lessons to be gentle ones cloaked in humour.

I want the cottage by the sea where my dogs can run off leash every sunrise and every sunset with a barista up the road who knows my name and order, who always has a dog treat ready. A slow morning kind of life that isn’t stealing time from a busy schedule but instead filling time. So. I am spending quite a bit of time focusing on how to make this happen; what tiny steps I can take to get myself there with grace and independence. So here I am, trying again. One tiny step. I hope I can come back and see it was small but mighty.